I have to be honest with you all; Joshua and I are not your usually engaged couple. We are engaged and cohabitating which makes for an interesting life right now. Not only are we adjusting to being engaged and all the pressures that come along with that but we are also adjusting to living together for the first time. I know it is not advisable for couples to cohabitate before marriage but we are truly committed and on our way to marriage, so why not get ahead start on the living adjustments? So far it has been a wild ride and I have loved every moment of it. Not only are we not your typical engaged couple we are certainly also not your most conventional couple either. We tend to do things by the beat of our own drum which makes our lives very exciting and fun. Nevertheless, sometimes the excitement and fun can get the best of me and I find myself in these up and down power struggles with him. Lately I've been feeling down on myself, as if I have failed him and myself and am not being the best future wife to him. But then I remember that no one is perfect and every day we are learning and growing. Courtney told me the other day that every movement is an opportunity to turn your life around. I love that saying. It's my new motto. In my quest to continually improve myself and my relationship I stumbled across the 5 stages of a relationship.
The five stages are:
1. Attraction
2. Power Struggle
3. Cooperation
4. Synergy
5. Completion
Joshua and I are most definitely in the 2nd stage right about now. As you can see from the title of my blog we have had our share of them. One has to wonder why we keep having them and why we can’t seem to avoid them. Trust me, if there was some way to stop them I would in a heartbeat and sometimes I wish there was some magical pill I could take to make them stop. The first stage of our relationship, attraction, was certainly fun and exciting, why must we go through the second stage? Is it truly necessary? I wish there was a way we could skip over it, but alas, it is truly unavoidable, almost predictable and ongoing. It’s like the gross medicine one must take in order to get better. So as couples we have power struggles to get better and their true purpose then is to build trust because without trust we cannot grow and mature as a couple.
I have come to the realization that as Joshua and I continue in our commitment to one another and as we journey through the different stages of life, marriage, parenthood, etc; we will have recurring power struggles. This is the case because each time we increase the level of commitment in our relationship more trust is required and when more trust is required we will temporarily ( hopefully) revisit our trusted friend of the “power struggle.” It is the act of the power struggle- this process that helps us build trust in one another. Through this all what becomes are touch stone however, is the reason why we have come together and that is our LOVE.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
True Intimacy
Just when I think we have weathered the biggest storm ever I get knocked on my ass once again with yet another fight. The good news is that fighting can lead to a foundation of true intimacy.
One of my dearest mentors and graduate studies professor, Denny Olerman, once told me that true intimacy is not created until you have your first fight and successfully resolve it. In essence what he was saying is that fighting is very normal and a part of a loving relationship. We all fight with those we are closest too and love the most. Just think about how many fights we have had with our parents along the way or with our best friends. Fighting is not the problem, but what becomes a problem is when you cannot communicate effectively to produce conflict resolution. It seems that relationship is mostly about compromising and making sure each person is heard and feelings are honored. There are no right or wrong feelings. Feelings are feelings that we must sooth with compassion as we do for a crying baby.
Most of the time I find myself reacting to something in such a way that even I am surprised with myself and when Joshua calls me out on it, sometimes I do not have a clue as to why I am upset, angry, sad or frustrated. I am the kind of person that just needs to talk it out in order to finally come to the root of my hurt feelings and usually this takes anywhere from 10 min to 2h hours. Joshua is the kind of person that retreats into his cave and has a need to hibernate in order to process his hurt feelings. For the most part, I believe that both he and I make a concerted effort to hear each other out and try to come to some kind of peaceful and loving resolution that fosters true intimacy between us.
The last fight we got into was this morning. I missed placed my engagement ring Saturday night and didn’t realize it was missing until this morning, Monday. Naturally he was disappointed and worried, but I took his discernment of the situation offensively, when he said, “You obviously didn’t take it off in your usually location.” Although he was speaking a truth, I miss took his discernment for judgment. I felt judged and was looking for reassurance. Although he was right, I didn’t want to hear that; instead I wanted to hear how we were going to find it together. I snapped back and told him he was being mean and inconsiderate, (after he had just made a delicious breakfast and lunch all neatly and nicely packed up for me to take it to go) who was being inconsiderate there? Long story short, we found the ring and I felt that much more appreciative of him because we were able to navigate through the yuckiness of the situation the moment had presented and we were able to find the ring together. I also appreciate my ring much more after, for the first time, feeling like it could be gone forever. Lesson learned: Discernment is different from judgment, and always take off my ring in the same exact location every time, no matter what.
Now for some updates!
1)We are now thinking about doing a destination wedding and heading down to San Blas, Mexico. We shall see what happens.
2)We are now registered for the Engagement Encounter weekend retreat at St. Mary’s Retreat House in Santa Barbara coming this Aug, 13-15th, and we are looking forward to it. I am so excited because I think it’s going to be like an Engaged “Kiaros” and if so it’s going to be amazing! I shall let you know how it goes.
One of my dearest mentors and graduate studies professor, Denny Olerman, once told me that true intimacy is not created until you have your first fight and successfully resolve it. In essence what he was saying is that fighting is very normal and a part of a loving relationship. We all fight with those we are closest too and love the most. Just think about how many fights we have had with our parents along the way or with our best friends. Fighting is not the problem, but what becomes a problem is when you cannot communicate effectively to produce conflict resolution. It seems that relationship is mostly about compromising and making sure each person is heard and feelings are honored. There are no right or wrong feelings. Feelings are feelings that we must sooth with compassion as we do for a crying baby.
Most of the time I find myself reacting to something in such a way that even I am surprised with myself and when Joshua calls me out on it, sometimes I do not have a clue as to why I am upset, angry, sad or frustrated. I am the kind of person that just needs to talk it out in order to finally come to the root of my hurt feelings and usually this takes anywhere from 10 min to 2h hours. Joshua is the kind of person that retreats into his cave and has a need to hibernate in order to process his hurt feelings. For the most part, I believe that both he and I make a concerted effort to hear each other out and try to come to some kind of peaceful and loving resolution that fosters true intimacy between us.
The last fight we got into was this morning. I missed placed my engagement ring Saturday night and didn’t realize it was missing until this morning, Monday. Naturally he was disappointed and worried, but I took his discernment of the situation offensively, when he said, “You obviously didn’t take it off in your usually location.” Although he was speaking a truth, I miss took his discernment for judgment. I felt judged and was looking for reassurance. Although he was right, I didn’t want to hear that; instead I wanted to hear how we were going to find it together. I snapped back and told him he was being mean and inconsiderate, (after he had just made a delicious breakfast and lunch all neatly and nicely packed up for me to take it to go) who was being inconsiderate there? Long story short, we found the ring and I felt that much more appreciative of him because we were able to navigate through the yuckiness of the situation the moment had presented and we were able to find the ring together. I also appreciate my ring much more after, for the first time, feeling like it could be gone forever. Lesson learned: Discernment is different from judgment, and always take off my ring in the same exact location every time, no matter what.
Now for some updates!
1)We are now thinking about doing a destination wedding and heading down to San Blas, Mexico. We shall see what happens.
2)We are now registered for the Engagement Encounter weekend retreat at St. Mary’s Retreat House in Santa Barbara coming this Aug, 13-15th, and we are looking forward to it. I am so excited because I think it’s going to be like an Engaged “Kiaros” and if so it’s going to be amazing! I shall let you know how it goes.
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