True Intimacy

Just when I think we have weathered the biggest storm ever I get knocked on my ass once again with yet another fight. The good news is that fighting can lead to a foundation of true intimacy.

One of my dearest mentors and graduate studies professor, Denny Olerman, once told me that true intimacy is not created until you have your first fight and successfully resolve it. In essence what he was saying is that fighting is very normal and a part of a loving relationship. We all fight with those we are closest too and love the most. Just think about how many fights we have had with our parents along the way or with our best friends. Fighting is not the problem, but what becomes a problem is when you cannot communicate effectively to produce conflict resolution. It seems that relationship is mostly about compromising and making sure each person is heard and feelings are honored. There are no right or wrong feelings. Feelings are feelings that we must sooth with compassion as we do for a crying baby.

Most of the time I find myself reacting to something in such a way that even I am surprised with myself and when Joshua calls me out on it, sometimes I do not have a clue as to why I am upset, angry, sad or frustrated. I am the kind of person that just needs to talk it out in order to finally come to the root of my hurt feelings and usually this takes anywhere from 10 min to 2h hours. Joshua is the kind of person that retreats into his cave and has a need to hibernate in order to process his hurt feelings. For the most part, I believe that both he and I make a concerted effort to hear each other out and try to come to some kind of peaceful and loving resolution that fosters true intimacy between us.

The last fight we got into was this morning. I missed placed my engagement ring Saturday night and didn’t realize it was missing until this morning, Monday. Naturally he was disappointed and worried, but I took his discernment of the situation offensively, when he said, “You obviously didn’t take it off in your usually location.” Although he was speaking a truth, I miss took his discernment for judgment. I felt judged and was looking for reassurance. Although he was right, I didn’t want to hear that; instead I wanted to hear how we were going to find it together. I snapped back and told him he was being mean and inconsiderate, (after he had just made a delicious breakfast and lunch all neatly and nicely packed up for me to take it to go) who was being inconsiderate there? Long story short, we found the ring and I felt that much more appreciative of him because we were able to navigate through the yuckiness of the situation the moment had presented and we were able to find the ring together. I also appreciate my ring much more after, for the first time, feeling like it could be gone forever. Lesson learned: Discernment is different from judgment, and always take off my ring in the same exact location every time, no matter what.

Now for some updates!
1)We are now thinking about doing a destination wedding and heading down to San Blas, Mexico. We shall see what happens.

2)We are now registered for the Engagement Encounter weekend retreat at St. Mary’s Retreat House in Santa Barbara coming this Aug, 13-15th, and we are looking forward to it. I am so excited because I think it’s going to be like an Engaged “Kiaros” and if so it’s going to be amazing! I shall let you know how it goes.