Making Babies, Peace, and Angels

When I first met Joshua, I knew he was going to have a profound effect on my life but I didn’t know exactly how that would play out; all I knew is that I was compelled to ride out this crazy journey. As time goes by, I realize more and more how much I am deeply in love with him. As we experience the different phases of life together that love only solidifies and acts like the mortar between the cracks of cement, I am overwhelmed with gratitude to have a man like Joshua Finley by my side.

Most recently we found out we were pregnant! Remember, I had warned you that Joshua and I are not your typical engaged couple, we do things by the beat of our own drum (which to some, as I have come to experience, does not seem to agree with their construct of how life “should” be, but I have learned to cast aside the negative remarks and passive/aggressive jabs of others when experiencing a joyful time of my life.) And yes, although we had not planned out this pregnancy, it came as beautiful and wonderful surprise to us both that we gladly embraced looking forward to parenthood and the beginning of us becoming our own family.

I went in during my 6th week to see my OBGYN to confirm my pregnancy and there she was on the sonogram, tiny as a button with a beating heart like a butterfly. I was absolutely amazed! I remember I wrote in a journal I was keeping for the baby, that this day had been the best day of life thus far.

It’s hard to say why things happen the way they do, and like Steve Jobs once said, we cannot connect the dots in the moment we can only connect them looking back. Well here I am looking back… 6 weeks later, I was at my 12th week mark getting my first ultrasound when the doctor gave Joshua and me the terrible news that our baby had stopped developing at 6 weeks. He told us that I was on the brink of having a miscarriage and that within 24 hours I would be experiencing the delivery of what remained. He comforted us by telling us this was Mother Nature’s way of stopping what was not developing properly and that it is very common in women’s first pregnancies. We were heart -broken and there was nothing we could do about it expect to comfort one another.

As the hours went by, and the flood of thought that kept rushing through my head subsided, I came to a heartwarming realization. This realization was the pinnacle of my emotional grief in surrendering the idea of becoming a mother: I thought, “my God, how stunning was our sweet, baby, Valentina. She made herself known to us, she allowed us to see her presence in my womb, and for that I felt so lucky. I had a chance to see her beating heart and that will still be the best moment of my life, yet. She had to leave for whatever reasons science may give us but like another dear friend told me, as we were going through this painful process, “This is how God makes angels.” I am now comforted in knowing that our Valentina is a baby angel doing God’s work and that one day we will see one another again.

What came next was nothing that I have ever experienced in my life and perhaps even more physically painful then the 6 months of chemotherapy I had endured 5 years ago. I opted to do this naturally, no DNC procedure. It took 8 hours of labor, and during that time, Joshua was also experiencing a deep existential pain, perhaps the pinnacle of his own emotional grief; the pain of surrendering his hope for becoming a father once again and the loss of his unborn child. It was an incredibly moving experience.

I was unable to lie down, or stay still, it was already midnight and there I was, with my dog, Molly following close behind, walking around the perimeter of my house smoking a cigarette and drinking a glass of red wine in hopes that it would alleviate some of my pain. For those last hours it seemed as if the end of the world was occurring, I didn’t know if I was going to make it or endure the pain, but four hours later it happened through my tears, my shouts of pain, Joshua holding my hand, him being right there, and just in a matter of seconds it was all over. It was an eerie feeling, thereafter, the quietness to the house, with the dogs, with each other, as if all things knew that something sad had just taken place and yet Joshua and I had finally found some amount of peace.

So here I am looking back, realizing that I am now more deeply in love with Joshua, and even more grateful for his presences in my life. Together we have been blessed with the miracle of creating life and although we shared in our sorrow of loosing that little life, at the same time, we rejoice in the transformation that has occurred in both of us. It is a transformation brought about by the suffering and passion we witnessed in one another. It is a transformation given birth through the compassion we both felt for each other’s suffering. It is this transformation that will ultimately makes us better partners in marriage as we continue to journey through together and, God willing, more loving parents to the next little miracle we will be blessed to bring forth into this world. Until then we continue to plan our small wedding ceremony and reception surrounded by those who have remained close to us during the good and bad times. We thank all of you have been instrumental in helping both Joshua and me mourn our loss and come to this new wonderful phase of our relationship. I wish you all peace, light and many blessings.