Return To Love

Joshua and I got engaged on Jan 1st, 2010 at the stroke of midnight. It was the most romantic setting at the top of the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica at their restaurant, The Penthouse. We had a fabulous night. It was a whirlwind courtship that had a spectacular beginning to our engagement. Along with the highs of being engaged and in love came many lows too. As we struggled to adjust to moving in together, to Joshua relocating to California from Kansas, from Joshua becoming fully employed to becoming a full-time student and trying to survive on one income the tension that built up between us at some point had to explode and when it did it was devastating. Not only were we dealing with all of the stress of adjusting to our new lives, we were also stressed financially trying to plan a wedding we had no budget for along with the emotional stress of getting pregnant and then going through our miscarriage. What more could a freshly engaged couple go through? Our ripe green branch of our love was just not strong enough to handle all the stress and 10 months into our engagement I truly believe we both were on the brink of calling it quits.

As a result of this tension and stress, Joshua decided to take a two week break apart from me and headed to Denver to blow off steam while establishing a potential business deal. Although it was difficult to be apart for that long, I believe it was a much needed break. It gave us perspective and time to reconsider if a break up was necessary. With the support of our family and close friends we were able to build a bridge back to one another. During those two weeks we decided on a plan to try to make things work between us. Upon his return we tried hard to establish better communication between us and focus on our strengths rather than our weakness but we continued to struggle. We were still caught up in our fears and doubts unable to grasp the bigger picture from our limited view point and experience of one another.

Two months prior, in August, we were scheduled to go on our Engagement Encounter retreat, a prerequisite to getting married within our Catholic Parish community of St. Monica’s. We ended up rescheduling our date since Joshua got a great opportunity for a weekend gig that he couldn’t refuse. Call it divine intervention, synchronicity, destiny, or just a coincidence but I think it was meant to be that we waited to go until a week after Joshua got back from Denver this October. I am not sure if we would have extracted the wonderful experience we had on our Engagement Encounter had we gone earlier. I think the combination of having gone through almost the demise of our engagement paired with the intense weekend retreat made this experience extraordinary; which helped us return to each other whole, full of love and courage.

There were two amazing couples who were our leaders along with Fr. Ludo our spiritual teacher who helped us integrate our Catholic values into the weekend retreat. Adrian and Cherrie have been married for almost 50 years and Maka and Cheryl have been married for over 10 years. Both of these wonderful couples were so courageous and generous with us. They helped us see a bit of the perspective they have earned in journeying together thus far and what it takes to be examples of loving kindness, patience and courage for each other and to the community at large.

The Engagement Encounter focuses on various, valuable and practical tools to help co-create a lasting marriage. These are the ones that that stood out for me:

1)Our desire to want to marry and become engaged is a calling from God. Marriage is a vocation, not intend for just anyone. It is a serious calling and responsibility that calls for an extraordinary amount of patience, kindness, compassion, fidelity, and unconditional love. The sacrament of marriage is not for the week of heart, nor for the ego maniac. We must have courage to enter this covenant whole heartedly with the desire to want to evolve together despite the growing pains that may be felt from time to time.

2)Unity created by the love we share for each other. This weekend showed me how to be aware of the presences of love we have for each other as a gift from God. It taught us the practice of love as strength. Realizing that our love cannot be destroyed because it is always within us; it becomes only hidden by our doubts and fears(our ego defenses).

3)Be life giving by challenging ourselves and one another to live a fuller life, to be open and honest and to bear witness to the values we both share. To be life giving is to be generous, supportive, sensitive and selfless. In order to be more life giving to each other there must be a shift in perspective from me to we. Most importantly, it is so very important to express daily affection, affirmation of each other’s good qualities and little, and delightful gestures of appreciation. After all Joshua and I are each other’s ticket to heaven.

As we prepare for our marriage we have come to the full awareness that a sacrament is God’s presence and love for us revealed in a visible action or relationship. When we see a married couple’s love, we believe that God is present there. It is holy and blessed. The couple becomes ministers of the sacrament to each other and mirrors God’s love through daily acts of loving, serving and forgiving of one another and for the community to which they belong.

This three day retreat created a miracle for both Joshua and me. Does this mean that we are going to be perfect partners for each other from now on? Does this mean that we will never have another fight or another challenging time together? No, in fact, I expect more challenges to come along the way. Joshua and I have really only scratched the surface of what a 50 year marriage entails, but at least now we have a divine and holistic, perspective on what it means to be married and how to navigate the stormy seas together. Thank you to all of you who have been and continue to be sources of, inspiration, love and support. We love you from the bottom of our hearts. Many blessings.

“A miracle is a parting of the mists, a shift in perception, a return to love.” -Marianne Williamson