Recently I ask Joshua what was troubling him. I could tell he was distressed by the look on his face. His response to me was authentic but brutally honest which hurt my feelings thus making me very defensive. Long story short, we had a huge blow out that last about 24 hours. Joshua, felt invalidated by my reaction and I felt extremely guilty having been made aware of my faults and flaws. I felt so much turmoil, blame and guilt. Joshua was hurting and so was I. I wanted to make it better and just didn’t know how. I realized that I first had to validate his feelings, and after my own pain subsided I had to validate my own feelings.
In the aftermath of our fight Joshua and I agreed to let it go, to forgive but not forget.
As I sit here analyzing why I got so defensive I have come to this realization. It was my defensiveness that prevented me from accepting Joshua’s truth. After all there is no absolute truth. Joshua’s experience is his own; just as my own experience is my own. We all see the world differently depending on what life circumstances we have endured. Therefore when someone speaks their truth it is still true. No matter how we feel about it. Once I was able to accept his truth despite my own pain, I could then allow my guilt to be replaced with remorse. Guilt is what keeps us trapped in our defensiveness, in our woundedness; victimology. When we can feel our remorse we free ourselves from the victimhood and step into the greater awareness that we are ever human in need of much compassion. My remorse allowed me to validate his feelings, apologize and accept my flaws with a willingness to change.
We must be ale to feel compassion for ourselves and validate the experience for ourselves and others while admitting our faults and shaking it off and moving forward. The beautiful thing about realizing that “everyone has their own truth” is that we can adjust the truth to foster a greater sense of forgiveness. For example, Joshua may have felt that I was causing him to feel guilty about me supporting him this past year and this is true for him but my truth is that this past year was extremely difficult, financially and emotionally, in dealing with the stress of supporting the two of us on one income. Perhaps my stress manifested itself, from Joshua’s perspective, as me guilting him for not being able to find a job or establish a good career in California. Granted, our expectation was that Joshua would be able to make a career move in less than a year, we did not anticipate the stress and guilt it would put on us having to endure this difficult time but we did! We successfully made it through and as of yesterday, Joshua has a new career in the world of sales. He just landed the title of Regional Manager of Sales for a great new company call Incredibles®. His terriorty consist of the entire state of California. This is a dream job for him! I am so happy he has finally found something he can feel proud of and hopeful for our future.
In essence, the truth is that Joshua was unemolyed for a year while I supported us. Is that bad? No, it is not. It is also true that I was stressed out to the max having to carry the entire financial burden and at times caused Joshua to feel guilty about not contributing to the household. Is that bad? No, it is not. It just merely was what it was. Joshua has forgiven me for the guilt I imposed on him and I have forgiven Joshua for the stress he has caused me. More importantly, we have forgiven ourselves and as a result we have grown both as individuals and as a couple. So, what is the flip side to all of this guilt, blame and resentment? The answer is love. LOVE always cancels out the negative and shines light into the darkness. Love is the force that glues us together despite our hardships. The love we feel for each other helped us stick it out and provided us with hope that things would change. Realizing that the love I feel for Joshua is a gift from God has always given me the grace to stay faithful. Forgiveness is right there for us to receive just beyond the acceptance that everyone has his or her own truth to own. The ultimate truth, of this entire situation, that both Joshua and I can own together, is that we love each other tremendously. Love one another everyday through the thick and through the thin. I plan on keeping this habit up.
LOVE NOW!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Return To Love
Joshua and I got engaged on Jan 1st, 2010 at the stroke of midnight. It was the most romantic setting at the top of the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica at their restaurant, The Penthouse. We had a fabulous night. It was a whirlwind courtship that had a spectacular beginning to our engagement. Along with the highs of being engaged and in love came many lows too. As we struggled to adjust to moving in together, to Joshua relocating to California from Kansas, from Joshua becoming fully employed to becoming a full-time student and trying to survive on one income the tension that built up between us at some point had to explode and when it did it was devastating. Not only were we dealing with all of the stress of adjusting to our new lives, we were also stressed financially trying to plan a wedding we had no budget for along with the emotional stress of getting pregnant and then going through our miscarriage. What more could a freshly engaged couple go through? Our ripe green branch of our love was just not strong enough to handle all the stress and 10 months into our engagement I truly believe we both were on the brink of calling it quits.
As a result of this tension and stress, Joshua decided to take a two week break apart from me and headed to Denver to blow off steam while establishing a potential business deal. Although it was difficult to be apart for that long, I believe it was a much needed break. It gave us perspective and time to reconsider if a break up was necessary. With the support of our family and close friends we were able to build a bridge back to one another. During those two weeks we decided on a plan to try to make things work between us. Upon his return we tried hard to establish better communication between us and focus on our strengths rather than our weakness but we continued to struggle. We were still caught up in our fears and doubts unable to grasp the bigger picture from our limited view point and experience of one another.
Two months prior, in August, we were scheduled to go on our Engagement Encounter retreat, a prerequisite to getting married within our Catholic Parish community of St. Monica’s. We ended up rescheduling our date since Joshua got a great opportunity for a weekend gig that he couldn’t refuse. Call it divine intervention, synchronicity, destiny, or just a coincidence but I think it was meant to be that we waited to go until a week after Joshua got back from Denver this October. I am not sure if we would have extracted the wonderful experience we had on our Engagement Encounter had we gone earlier. I think the combination of having gone through almost the demise of our engagement paired with the intense weekend retreat made this experience extraordinary; which helped us return to each other whole, full of love and courage.
There were two amazing couples who were our leaders along with Fr. Ludo our spiritual teacher who helped us integrate our Catholic values into the weekend retreat. Adrian and Cherrie have been married for almost 50 years and Maka and Cheryl have been married for over 10 years. Both of these wonderful couples were so courageous and generous with us. They helped us see a bit of the perspective they have earned in journeying together thus far and what it takes to be examples of loving kindness, patience and courage for each other and to the community at large.
The Engagement Encounter focuses on various, valuable and practical tools to help co-create a lasting marriage. These are the ones that that stood out for me:
1)Our desire to want to marry and become engaged is a calling from God. Marriage is a vocation, not intend for just anyone. It is a serious calling and responsibility that calls for an extraordinary amount of patience, kindness, compassion, fidelity, and unconditional love. The sacrament of marriage is not for the week of heart, nor for the ego maniac. We must have courage to enter this covenant whole heartedly with the desire to want to evolve together despite the growing pains that may be felt from time to time.
2)Unity created by the love we share for each other. This weekend showed me how to be aware of the presences of love we have for each other as a gift from God. It taught us the practice of love as strength. Realizing that our love cannot be destroyed because it is always within us; it becomes only hidden by our doubts and fears(our ego defenses).
3)Be life giving by challenging ourselves and one another to live a fuller life, to be open and honest and to bear witness to the values we both share. To be life giving is to be generous, supportive, sensitive and selfless. In order to be more life giving to each other there must be a shift in perspective from me to we. Most importantly, it is so very important to express daily affection, affirmation of each other’s good qualities and little, and delightful gestures of appreciation. After all Joshua and I are each other’s ticket to heaven.
As we prepare for our marriage we have come to the full awareness that a sacrament is God’s presence and love for us revealed in a visible action or relationship. When we see a married couple’s love, we believe that God is present there. It is holy and blessed. The couple becomes ministers of the sacrament to each other and mirrors God’s love through daily acts of loving, serving and forgiving of one another and for the community to which they belong.
This three day retreat created a miracle for both Joshua and me. Does this mean that we are going to be perfect partners for each other from now on? Does this mean that we will never have another fight or another challenging time together? No, in fact, I expect more challenges to come along the way. Joshua and I have really only scratched the surface of what a 50 year marriage entails, but at least now we have a divine and holistic, perspective on what it means to be married and how to navigate the stormy seas together. Thank you to all of you who have been and continue to be sources of, inspiration, love and support. We love you from the bottom of our hearts. Many blessings.
“A miracle is a parting of the mists, a shift in perception, a return to love.” -Marianne Williamson
As a result of this tension and stress, Joshua decided to take a two week break apart from me and headed to Denver to blow off steam while establishing a potential business deal. Although it was difficult to be apart for that long, I believe it was a much needed break. It gave us perspective and time to reconsider if a break up was necessary. With the support of our family and close friends we were able to build a bridge back to one another. During those two weeks we decided on a plan to try to make things work between us. Upon his return we tried hard to establish better communication between us and focus on our strengths rather than our weakness but we continued to struggle. We were still caught up in our fears and doubts unable to grasp the bigger picture from our limited view point and experience of one another.
Two months prior, in August, we were scheduled to go on our Engagement Encounter retreat, a prerequisite to getting married within our Catholic Parish community of St. Monica’s. We ended up rescheduling our date since Joshua got a great opportunity for a weekend gig that he couldn’t refuse. Call it divine intervention, synchronicity, destiny, or just a coincidence but I think it was meant to be that we waited to go until a week after Joshua got back from Denver this October. I am not sure if we would have extracted the wonderful experience we had on our Engagement Encounter had we gone earlier. I think the combination of having gone through almost the demise of our engagement paired with the intense weekend retreat made this experience extraordinary; which helped us return to each other whole, full of love and courage.
There were two amazing couples who were our leaders along with Fr. Ludo our spiritual teacher who helped us integrate our Catholic values into the weekend retreat. Adrian and Cherrie have been married for almost 50 years and Maka and Cheryl have been married for over 10 years. Both of these wonderful couples were so courageous and generous with us. They helped us see a bit of the perspective they have earned in journeying together thus far and what it takes to be examples of loving kindness, patience and courage for each other and to the community at large.
The Engagement Encounter focuses on various, valuable and practical tools to help co-create a lasting marriage. These are the ones that that stood out for me:
1)Our desire to want to marry and become engaged is a calling from God. Marriage is a vocation, not intend for just anyone. It is a serious calling and responsibility that calls for an extraordinary amount of patience, kindness, compassion, fidelity, and unconditional love. The sacrament of marriage is not for the week of heart, nor for the ego maniac. We must have courage to enter this covenant whole heartedly with the desire to want to evolve together despite the growing pains that may be felt from time to time.
2)Unity created by the love we share for each other. This weekend showed me how to be aware of the presences of love we have for each other as a gift from God. It taught us the practice of love as strength. Realizing that our love cannot be destroyed because it is always within us; it becomes only hidden by our doubts and fears(our ego defenses).
3)Be life giving by challenging ourselves and one another to live a fuller life, to be open and honest and to bear witness to the values we both share. To be life giving is to be generous, supportive, sensitive and selfless. In order to be more life giving to each other there must be a shift in perspective from me to we. Most importantly, it is so very important to express daily affection, affirmation of each other’s good qualities and little, and delightful gestures of appreciation. After all Joshua and I are each other’s ticket to heaven.
As we prepare for our marriage we have come to the full awareness that a sacrament is God’s presence and love for us revealed in a visible action or relationship. When we see a married couple’s love, we believe that God is present there. It is holy and blessed. The couple becomes ministers of the sacrament to each other and mirrors God’s love through daily acts of loving, serving and forgiving of one another and for the community to which they belong.
This three day retreat created a miracle for both Joshua and me. Does this mean that we are going to be perfect partners for each other from now on? Does this mean that we will never have another fight or another challenging time together? No, in fact, I expect more challenges to come along the way. Joshua and I have really only scratched the surface of what a 50 year marriage entails, but at least now we have a divine and holistic, perspective on what it means to be married and how to navigate the stormy seas together. Thank you to all of you who have been and continue to be sources of, inspiration, love and support. We love you from the bottom of our hearts. Many blessings.
“A miracle is a parting of the mists, a shift in perception, a return to love.” -Marianne Williamson
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Making Babies, Peace, and Angels
When I first met Joshua, I knew he was going to have a profound effect on my life but I didn’t know exactly how that would play out; all I knew is that I was compelled to ride out this crazy journey. As time goes by, I realize more and more how much I am deeply in love with him. As we experience the different phases of life together that love only solidifies and acts like the mortar between the cracks of cement, I am overwhelmed with gratitude to have a man like Joshua Finley by my side.
Most recently we found out we were pregnant! Remember, I had warned you that Joshua and I are not your typical engaged couple, we do things by the beat of our own drum (which to some, as I have come to experience, does not seem to agree with their construct of how life “should” be, but I have learned to cast aside the negative remarks and passive/aggressive jabs of others when experiencing a joyful time of my life.) And yes, although we had not planned out this pregnancy, it came as beautiful and wonderful surprise to us both that we gladly embraced looking forward to parenthood and the beginning of us becoming our own family.
I went in during my 6th week to see my OBGYN to confirm my pregnancy and there she was on the sonogram, tiny as a button with a beating heart like a butterfly. I was absolutely amazed! I remember I wrote in a journal I was keeping for the baby, that this day had been the best day of life thus far.
It’s hard to say why things happen the way they do, and like Steve Jobs once said, we cannot connect the dots in the moment we can only connect them looking back. Well here I am looking back… 6 weeks later, I was at my 12th week mark getting my first ultrasound when the doctor gave Joshua and me the terrible news that our baby had stopped developing at 6 weeks. He told us that I was on the brink of having a miscarriage and that within 24 hours I would be experiencing the delivery of what remained. He comforted us by telling us this was Mother Nature’s way of stopping what was not developing properly and that it is very common in women’s first pregnancies. We were heart -broken and there was nothing we could do about it expect to comfort one another.
As the hours went by, and the flood of thought that kept rushing through my head subsided, I came to a heartwarming realization. This realization was the pinnacle of my emotional grief in surrendering the idea of becoming a mother: I thought, “my God, how stunning was our sweet, baby, Valentina. She made herself known to us, she allowed us to see her presence in my womb, and for that I felt so lucky. I had a chance to see her beating heart and that will still be the best moment of my life, yet. She had to leave for whatever reasons science may give us but like another dear friend told me, as we were going through this painful process, “This is how God makes angels.” I am now comforted in knowing that our Valentina is a baby angel doing God’s work and that one day we will see one another again.
What came next was nothing that I have ever experienced in my life and perhaps even more physically painful then the 6 months of chemotherapy I had endured 5 years ago. I opted to do this naturally, no DNC procedure. It took 8 hours of labor, and during that time, Joshua was also experiencing a deep existential pain, perhaps the pinnacle of his own emotional grief; the pain of surrendering his hope for becoming a father once again and the loss of his unborn child. It was an incredibly moving experience.
I was unable to lie down, or stay still, it was already midnight and there I was, with my dog, Molly following close behind, walking around the perimeter of my house smoking a cigarette and drinking a glass of red wine in hopes that it would alleviate some of my pain. For those last hours it seemed as if the end of the world was occurring, I didn’t know if I was going to make it or endure the pain, but four hours later it happened through my tears, my shouts of pain, Joshua holding my hand, him being right there, and just in a matter of seconds it was all over. It was an eerie feeling, thereafter, the quietness to the house, with the dogs, with each other, as if all things knew that something sad had just taken place and yet Joshua and I had finally found some amount of peace.
So here I am looking back, realizing that I am now more deeply in love with Joshua, and even more grateful for his presences in my life. Together we have been blessed with the miracle of creating life and although we shared in our sorrow of loosing that little life, at the same time, we rejoice in the transformation that has occurred in both of us. It is a transformation brought about by the suffering and passion we witnessed in one another. It is a transformation given birth through the compassion we both felt for each other’s suffering. It is this transformation that will ultimately makes us better partners in marriage as we continue to journey through together and, God willing, more loving parents to the next little miracle we will be blessed to bring forth into this world. Until then we continue to plan our small wedding ceremony and reception surrounded by those who have remained close to us during the good and bad times. We thank all of you have been instrumental in helping both Joshua and me mourn our loss and come to this new wonderful phase of our relationship. I wish you all peace, light and many blessings.
Most recently we found out we were pregnant! Remember, I had warned you that Joshua and I are not your typical engaged couple, we do things by the beat of our own drum (which to some, as I have come to experience, does not seem to agree with their construct of how life “should” be, but I have learned to cast aside the negative remarks and passive/aggressive jabs of others when experiencing a joyful time of my life.) And yes, although we had not planned out this pregnancy, it came as beautiful and wonderful surprise to us both that we gladly embraced looking forward to parenthood and the beginning of us becoming our own family.
I went in during my 6th week to see my OBGYN to confirm my pregnancy and there she was on the sonogram, tiny as a button with a beating heart like a butterfly. I was absolutely amazed! I remember I wrote in a journal I was keeping for the baby, that this day had been the best day of life thus far.
It’s hard to say why things happen the way they do, and like Steve Jobs once said, we cannot connect the dots in the moment we can only connect them looking back. Well here I am looking back… 6 weeks later, I was at my 12th week mark getting my first ultrasound when the doctor gave Joshua and me the terrible news that our baby had stopped developing at 6 weeks. He told us that I was on the brink of having a miscarriage and that within 24 hours I would be experiencing the delivery of what remained. He comforted us by telling us this was Mother Nature’s way of stopping what was not developing properly and that it is very common in women’s first pregnancies. We were heart -broken and there was nothing we could do about it expect to comfort one another.
As the hours went by, and the flood of thought that kept rushing through my head subsided, I came to a heartwarming realization. This realization was the pinnacle of my emotional grief in surrendering the idea of becoming a mother: I thought, “my God, how stunning was our sweet, baby, Valentina. She made herself known to us, she allowed us to see her presence in my womb, and for that I felt so lucky. I had a chance to see her beating heart and that will still be the best moment of my life, yet. She had to leave for whatever reasons science may give us but like another dear friend told me, as we were going through this painful process, “This is how God makes angels.” I am now comforted in knowing that our Valentina is a baby angel doing God’s work and that one day we will see one another again.
What came next was nothing that I have ever experienced in my life and perhaps even more physically painful then the 6 months of chemotherapy I had endured 5 years ago. I opted to do this naturally, no DNC procedure. It took 8 hours of labor, and during that time, Joshua was also experiencing a deep existential pain, perhaps the pinnacle of his own emotional grief; the pain of surrendering his hope for becoming a father once again and the loss of his unborn child. It was an incredibly moving experience.
I was unable to lie down, or stay still, it was already midnight and there I was, with my dog, Molly following close behind, walking around the perimeter of my house smoking a cigarette and drinking a glass of red wine in hopes that it would alleviate some of my pain. For those last hours it seemed as if the end of the world was occurring, I didn’t know if I was going to make it or endure the pain, but four hours later it happened through my tears, my shouts of pain, Joshua holding my hand, him being right there, and just in a matter of seconds it was all over. It was an eerie feeling, thereafter, the quietness to the house, with the dogs, with each other, as if all things knew that something sad had just taken place and yet Joshua and I had finally found some amount of peace.
So here I am looking back, realizing that I am now more deeply in love with Joshua, and even more grateful for his presences in my life. Together we have been blessed with the miracle of creating life and although we shared in our sorrow of loosing that little life, at the same time, we rejoice in the transformation that has occurred in both of us. It is a transformation brought about by the suffering and passion we witnessed in one another. It is a transformation given birth through the compassion we both felt for each other’s suffering. It is this transformation that will ultimately makes us better partners in marriage as we continue to journey through together and, God willing, more loving parents to the next little miracle we will be blessed to bring forth into this world. Until then we continue to plan our small wedding ceremony and reception surrounded by those who have remained close to us during the good and bad times. We thank all of you have been instrumental in helping both Joshua and me mourn our loss and come to this new wonderful phase of our relationship. I wish you all peace, light and many blessings.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Building Trust
I have to be honest with you all; Joshua and I are not your usually engaged couple. We are engaged and cohabitating which makes for an interesting life right now. Not only are we adjusting to being engaged and all the pressures that come along with that but we are also adjusting to living together for the first time. I know it is not advisable for couples to cohabitate before marriage but we are truly committed and on our way to marriage, so why not get ahead start on the living adjustments? So far it has been a wild ride and I have loved every moment of it. Not only are we not your typical engaged couple we are certainly also not your most conventional couple either. We tend to do things by the beat of our own drum which makes our lives very exciting and fun. Nevertheless, sometimes the excitement and fun can get the best of me and I find myself in these up and down power struggles with him. Lately I've been feeling down on myself, as if I have failed him and myself and am not being the best future wife to him. But then I remember that no one is perfect and every day we are learning and growing. Courtney told me the other day that every movement is an opportunity to turn your life around. I love that saying. It's my new motto. In my quest to continually improve myself and my relationship I stumbled across the 5 stages of a relationship.
The five stages are:
1. Attraction
2. Power Struggle
3. Cooperation
4. Synergy
5. Completion
Joshua and I are most definitely in the 2nd stage right about now. As you can see from the title of my blog we have had our share of them. One has to wonder why we keep having them and why we can’t seem to avoid them. Trust me, if there was some way to stop them I would in a heartbeat and sometimes I wish there was some magical pill I could take to make them stop. The first stage of our relationship, attraction, was certainly fun and exciting, why must we go through the second stage? Is it truly necessary? I wish there was a way we could skip over it, but alas, it is truly unavoidable, almost predictable and ongoing. It’s like the gross medicine one must take in order to get better. So as couples we have power struggles to get better and their true purpose then is to build trust because without trust we cannot grow and mature as a couple.
I have come to the realization that as Joshua and I continue in our commitment to one another and as we journey through the different stages of life, marriage, parenthood, etc; we will have recurring power struggles. This is the case because each time we increase the level of commitment in our relationship more trust is required and when more trust is required we will temporarily ( hopefully) revisit our trusted friend of the “power struggle.” It is the act of the power struggle- this process that helps us build trust in one another. Through this all what becomes are touch stone however, is the reason why we have come together and that is our LOVE.
The five stages are:
1. Attraction
2. Power Struggle
3. Cooperation
4. Synergy
5. Completion
Joshua and I are most definitely in the 2nd stage right about now. As you can see from the title of my blog we have had our share of them. One has to wonder why we keep having them and why we can’t seem to avoid them. Trust me, if there was some way to stop them I would in a heartbeat and sometimes I wish there was some magical pill I could take to make them stop. The first stage of our relationship, attraction, was certainly fun and exciting, why must we go through the second stage? Is it truly necessary? I wish there was a way we could skip over it, but alas, it is truly unavoidable, almost predictable and ongoing. It’s like the gross medicine one must take in order to get better. So as couples we have power struggles to get better and their true purpose then is to build trust because without trust we cannot grow and mature as a couple.
I have come to the realization that as Joshua and I continue in our commitment to one another and as we journey through the different stages of life, marriage, parenthood, etc; we will have recurring power struggles. This is the case because each time we increase the level of commitment in our relationship more trust is required and when more trust is required we will temporarily ( hopefully) revisit our trusted friend of the “power struggle.” It is the act of the power struggle- this process that helps us build trust in one another. Through this all what becomes are touch stone however, is the reason why we have come together and that is our LOVE.
Monday, May 3, 2010
True Intimacy
Just when I think we have weathered the biggest storm ever I get knocked on my ass once again with yet another fight. The good news is that fighting can lead to a foundation of true intimacy.
One of my dearest mentors and graduate studies professor, Denny Olerman, once told me that true intimacy is not created until you have your first fight and successfully resolve it. In essence what he was saying is that fighting is very normal and a part of a loving relationship. We all fight with those we are closest too and love the most. Just think about how many fights we have had with our parents along the way or with our best friends. Fighting is not the problem, but what becomes a problem is when you cannot communicate effectively to produce conflict resolution. It seems that relationship is mostly about compromising and making sure each person is heard and feelings are honored. There are no right or wrong feelings. Feelings are feelings that we must sooth with compassion as we do for a crying baby.
Most of the time I find myself reacting to something in such a way that even I am surprised with myself and when Joshua calls me out on it, sometimes I do not have a clue as to why I am upset, angry, sad or frustrated. I am the kind of person that just needs to talk it out in order to finally come to the root of my hurt feelings and usually this takes anywhere from 10 min to 2h hours. Joshua is the kind of person that retreats into his cave and has a need to hibernate in order to process his hurt feelings. For the most part, I believe that both he and I make a concerted effort to hear each other out and try to come to some kind of peaceful and loving resolution that fosters true intimacy between us.
The last fight we got into was this morning. I missed placed my engagement ring Saturday night and didn’t realize it was missing until this morning, Monday. Naturally he was disappointed and worried, but I took his discernment of the situation offensively, when he said, “You obviously didn’t take it off in your usually location.” Although he was speaking a truth, I miss took his discernment for judgment. I felt judged and was looking for reassurance. Although he was right, I didn’t want to hear that; instead I wanted to hear how we were going to find it together. I snapped back and told him he was being mean and inconsiderate, (after he had just made a delicious breakfast and lunch all neatly and nicely packed up for me to take it to go) who was being inconsiderate there? Long story short, we found the ring and I felt that much more appreciative of him because we were able to navigate through the yuckiness of the situation the moment had presented and we were able to find the ring together. I also appreciate my ring much more after, for the first time, feeling like it could be gone forever. Lesson learned: Discernment is different from judgment, and always take off my ring in the same exact location every time, no matter what.
Now for some updates!
1)We are now thinking about doing a destination wedding and heading down to San Blas, Mexico. We shall see what happens.
2)We are now registered for the Engagement Encounter weekend retreat at St. Mary’s Retreat House in Santa Barbara coming this Aug, 13-15th, and we are looking forward to it. I am so excited because I think it’s going to be like an Engaged “Kiaros” and if so it’s going to be amazing! I shall let you know how it goes.
One of my dearest mentors and graduate studies professor, Denny Olerman, once told me that true intimacy is not created until you have your first fight and successfully resolve it. In essence what he was saying is that fighting is very normal and a part of a loving relationship. We all fight with those we are closest too and love the most. Just think about how many fights we have had with our parents along the way or with our best friends. Fighting is not the problem, but what becomes a problem is when you cannot communicate effectively to produce conflict resolution. It seems that relationship is mostly about compromising and making sure each person is heard and feelings are honored. There are no right or wrong feelings. Feelings are feelings that we must sooth with compassion as we do for a crying baby.
Most of the time I find myself reacting to something in such a way that even I am surprised with myself and when Joshua calls me out on it, sometimes I do not have a clue as to why I am upset, angry, sad or frustrated. I am the kind of person that just needs to talk it out in order to finally come to the root of my hurt feelings and usually this takes anywhere from 10 min to 2h hours. Joshua is the kind of person that retreats into his cave and has a need to hibernate in order to process his hurt feelings. For the most part, I believe that both he and I make a concerted effort to hear each other out and try to come to some kind of peaceful and loving resolution that fosters true intimacy between us.
The last fight we got into was this morning. I missed placed my engagement ring Saturday night and didn’t realize it was missing until this morning, Monday. Naturally he was disappointed and worried, but I took his discernment of the situation offensively, when he said, “You obviously didn’t take it off in your usually location.” Although he was speaking a truth, I miss took his discernment for judgment. I felt judged and was looking for reassurance. Although he was right, I didn’t want to hear that; instead I wanted to hear how we were going to find it together. I snapped back and told him he was being mean and inconsiderate, (after he had just made a delicious breakfast and lunch all neatly and nicely packed up for me to take it to go) who was being inconsiderate there? Long story short, we found the ring and I felt that much more appreciative of him because we were able to navigate through the yuckiness of the situation the moment had presented and we were able to find the ring together. I also appreciate my ring much more after, for the first time, feeling like it could be gone forever. Lesson learned: Discernment is different from judgment, and always take off my ring in the same exact location every time, no matter what.
Now for some updates!
1)We are now thinking about doing a destination wedding and heading down to San Blas, Mexico. We shall see what happens.
2)We are now registered for the Engagement Encounter weekend retreat at St. Mary’s Retreat House in Santa Barbara coming this Aug, 13-15th, and we are looking forward to it. I am so excited because I think it’s going to be like an Engaged “Kiaros” and if so it’s going to be amazing! I shall let you know how it goes.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
100 Hours of Peace
My wise girlfriend, Courtney once told me that the fighting stage of a relationship can change if the couple is willing to evolve and change. I think Joshua and I are entering that evolution because it’s been over 4 days and we have not fought once! I can attribute that to two things: 1) a powerful experience I had with Joshua this past weekend. For the first time, I was able to see him whole and complete as God intended him to be. He has always radiated a beautiful light that I have always been attracted to but in this moment it was like the mask was dropped and I was able to see him more clearly than ever before, and what I saw was exquisitely beautiful. He glistened, and emanated a light I had never seen before. It was an experience I will never forget and one that has brought me closer to him than ever before. I truly feel that I am his life partner on this planet and beyond. Actually, I felt that way about him the day I met him although I wasn’t exactly sure what I was feeling at the time. I have come full circle, now everything makes sense. The beautiful thing about this is that my feelings are reciprocated. Joshua told me he feels the same way about me. How did I get so lucky?! At last I have found my true love, without a shadow of a doubt. I feel so happy to be with Joshua.
We have a new dog, Pierre. I haven’t met him yet but I will after work today. Apparently he’s wonderful: house broken, loves cats and children and is ready to be adopted. I hope he goes to a loving family. I am looking forward to meeting him. Our dogs and those we foster is the 2nd thing I can attribute to such a long stretch of peace between Joshua and myself. It causes us to work together towards a common goal outside of ourselves and that is so fulfilling. Love and teamwork, that’s the answer to creating peace in our lives and in our world. Together we can do anything.
We have a new dog, Pierre. I haven’t met him yet but I will after work today. Apparently he’s wonderful: house broken, loves cats and children and is ready to be adopted. I hope he goes to a loving family. I am looking forward to meeting him. Our dogs and those we foster is the 2nd thing I can attribute to such a long stretch of peace between Joshua and myself. It causes us to work together towards a common goal outside of ourselves and that is so fulfilling. Love and teamwork, that’s the answer to creating peace in our lives and in our world. Together we can do anything.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Knowing Your Roots and Having Faith in the Journey
Today we set the date with our church. It’s now official we are getting married at St. Monica’s Catholic Church on May 28, 2011! I remember the day I discovered St. Monica’s, it was about 5 years ago while on a walk down Ocean Ave. I used to frequently stop there on my way back from work at the rose garden and meditate there. One day I veered off the path and found myself in front of this magnificent church. I noticed they had a 5:30 evening mass on Sundays and decided to give it a try. During that time I was studying the Buddhist philosophy and felt that perhaps I was no longer Catholic and that I might just have to become Buddhist. Then I came across this amazing book by Thích Nhất Hạnh called The Living Buddha the Living Christ and my life was transformed. It was as if Thích Nhất Hạnh was giving me the permission I needed to stay true to my roots while following the Buddhist teachings. In this amazing book he compares the life of Buddha to the life of Christ and it is just extraordinary. I highly recommend it.
Upon my first time at St Monica’s, I felt immediately welcomed, embraced and thought, this is it, I had found my people and my pastor. Monsignor Torgerson was so inspiring and uplifting I felt compelled to come back the next Sunday and subsequently there after I started making it my ritual. I hadn’t been very active in the church and had been absent from practicing my faith for quite a while. Returning to my faith, but even more importantly finding a church as progressive as St. Monica’s, felt like being fed after a long starvation. After coming to St. Monica’s off and on for the next several years, and finding myself newly single, and cancer free I decided that the next man I would seriously commit to would have to be Catholic. Rediscovering my faith and letting it carry me through one of the most challening times of my life, along with all the synchronistic events that followed there after was the spark of inspiration that led me to want to get married in this this cathedral-esque setting. I never thought I would get married in a church, but I had always dreamed of sharing my religious values and spirituality with someone that would understand my sense of devotion and love for my faith.
Who knew that at that same time, Joshua would be going through his own transformative experience that would inevitably bring him to convert from his Greek Orthodox roots to the Catholic faith. My beloved, had been married once before and out of that marriage a beautiful little girl named Bella was born. But 5 years later he would experience the devastating, life shattering blow that his marriage was a farce and that Bella was not his biological daughter. Finding himself broken to the his very core, robbed of his only daughter he had even known and realizing that his marriage was over, his good friend and mentor, Matthew Shibley, like a guardian angel, took him under his wing. Matthew thought it would be a good idea for Joshua to convert to Catholicism and remain close to spiritual advisors and obtain the support of the Catholic community during his time of crisis. Joshua being raised in a sister religion very similar to Catholicism also thought that it would be a natural progression of his faith and underwent the year long journey with the culmination of receiving 4 blessed sacraments. Two years later Joshua and I were introduced. We were both Catholic and ready to be in a serious commitment with someone extraordinary!
Upon reflecting for this piece and trying to make sense of it all a very poignant experience came to mind. I once had a psychedelic experience in which I came to the realization that humans are like trees. A tree can grow big and tall all its life but unless it has strong roots no matter how tall it grows it will eventually fall. Similarly, if we do not recognize our roots and remember where we come from, no matter how far we go in life and how successful we may be it is knowing our roots that will make the journey much more meaningful . It is human nature to have a "dark night of the soul" and if you have experienced any kind of loss in your life you will understand what I am writing about and if you have not then brace yourself and stay true to your roots; honor them for it might be your very salvation. My roots brought me to discover an inner peace that is beyond words and has lead both Joshua and myself to find one another.
(By the way, we did have a silly fight the other day. We were arguing about whether the Clintons were billionaires. I said they were and he said not and it turns out they aren’t. Who knew? Not me. But then again Joshua should know after all he does have one in his family. )
Upon my first time at St Monica’s, I felt immediately welcomed, embraced and thought, this is it, I had found my people and my pastor. Monsignor Torgerson was so inspiring and uplifting I felt compelled to come back the next Sunday and subsequently there after I started making it my ritual. I hadn’t been very active in the church and had been absent from practicing my faith for quite a while. Returning to my faith, but even more importantly finding a church as progressive as St. Monica’s, felt like being fed after a long starvation. After coming to St. Monica’s off and on for the next several years, and finding myself newly single, and cancer free I decided that the next man I would seriously commit to would have to be Catholic. Rediscovering my faith and letting it carry me through one of the most challening times of my life, along with all the synchronistic events that followed there after was the spark of inspiration that led me to want to get married in this this cathedral-esque setting. I never thought I would get married in a church, but I had always dreamed of sharing my religious values and spirituality with someone that would understand my sense of devotion and love for my faith.
Who knew that at that same time, Joshua would be going through his own transformative experience that would inevitably bring him to convert from his Greek Orthodox roots to the Catholic faith. My beloved, had been married once before and out of that marriage a beautiful little girl named Bella was born. But 5 years later he would experience the devastating, life shattering blow that his marriage was a farce and that Bella was not his biological daughter. Finding himself broken to the his very core, robbed of his only daughter he had even known and realizing that his marriage was over, his good friend and mentor, Matthew Shibley, like a guardian angel, took him under his wing. Matthew thought it would be a good idea for Joshua to convert to Catholicism and remain close to spiritual advisors and obtain the support of the Catholic community during his time of crisis. Joshua being raised in a sister religion very similar to Catholicism also thought that it would be a natural progression of his faith and underwent the year long journey with the culmination of receiving 4 blessed sacraments. Two years later Joshua and I were introduced. We were both Catholic and ready to be in a serious commitment with someone extraordinary!
Upon reflecting for this piece and trying to make sense of it all a very poignant experience came to mind. I once had a psychedelic experience in which I came to the realization that humans are like trees. A tree can grow big and tall all its life but unless it has strong roots no matter how tall it grows it will eventually fall. Similarly, if we do not recognize our roots and remember where we come from, no matter how far we go in life and how successful we may be it is knowing our roots that will make the journey much more meaningful . It is human nature to have a "dark night of the soul" and if you have experienced any kind of loss in your life you will understand what I am writing about and if you have not then brace yourself and stay true to your roots; honor them for it might be your very salvation. My roots brought me to discover an inner peace that is beyond words and has lead both Joshua and myself to find one another.
(By the way, we did have a silly fight the other day. We were arguing about whether the Clintons were billionaires. I said they were and he said not and it turns out they aren’t. Who knew? Not me. But then again Joshua should know after all he does have one in his family. )
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